Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?