One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.