*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.