Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Warm pools make me nervous.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink