Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
You Might Also Like
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Acronyms got me like WTF?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.