I was up all night reading about insomnia
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)