Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
You Might Also Like
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
new career option?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???