thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
There is no “we” in pizza
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Botany good plants lately?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.