police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra