The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
work smarter, not harder
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
A classic…
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations