I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Omg 🤣
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.