I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
You Might Also Like
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.