4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
oh u like history? name everything that happened
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.