You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
all that yoga finally paid off
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats