I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]