If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.