Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
You Might Also Like
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers