“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Pot warmers of the day.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell