Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
You Might Also Like
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for