He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta