I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*eats only grass-fed donuts
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back