I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?