Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!