Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow