My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
You Might Also Like
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
emergency phone
#SuperBowl
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Probably my best painting.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream