Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way