My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me as a therapist: omg same
Facebook memories be like
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.