It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
it’s finally my moment to shine
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.