Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
How your email finds me
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
😬
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”