We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here