[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
barbara was highly relatable
wow