Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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How actors in movies eat their food
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”