Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them