*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”