Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
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[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
tourist season
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Worth the read.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.