Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.