me as a parent
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Morning.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.