*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!