I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.