[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
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*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.