Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Body by sandwich.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?