You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
technically true but not a great slogan
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.