The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Come back with a warrant
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.