H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
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wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Why am I like this?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Pot warmers of the day.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift