Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.