lmfao come on
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?