Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Breakfast for Stoners:
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Seek kebab; not attention
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.