I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
You Might Also Like
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.