Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
This guy gets it.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments