My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You Might Also Like
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.